Andraste’s flaming sword, they were arguing. Again. Marlana paused at the edge of the campsite with the two buckets of water she was hauling back to camp to listen. She didn’t really care about what they were fighting about, but she could hear three voices, two soprano and one baritone. Great, Leliana was getting into the daily snap and snarl now too. Having Oogie give her a reproachful look before slinking off didn’t help matters any. Fuming she stalked into camp where the three supposed adults were arguing. For all that she was just barely eighteen years of age there were days it felt like she was the only adult around.
Before the three could react, she pitched one bucket of water then the second right behind it, soaking all three of them thoroughly. As they sputtered she put her hands on her hips and snarled, “That. Is. Quite. Enough. You are all adults, or supposedly so. I expect you to act like it. I do not expect you to be best friends, or even to like each other. But by all that is holy, I expect you to act like adults! I expect you to work together. If you can’t, I kindly invite you to go somewhere else.”
Feeling eyes staring at her back, she snapped at the bronze skinned giant over her shoulder, not entirely taking her attention off the other three, “Yes?”
His odd purple eyes met her blazing blue and obviously decided that silence was the better part of valor. She nodded sharply, the long braid she’d twisted her mane into bobbed along with the movement. Then her head whipped around back around to her original targets, “Do I make myself clear?”
They muttered something at her and went their separate ways, but showed no signs of leaving. Still angry she grabbed the buckets and stomped back to the stream to refill them. The two newcomers that joined her happy little band of outcasts certainly made things even more interesting. Not that she needed more interesting things in her life. She was still convinced that Leliana, a lay sister of the Chantry, was still one Archdemon short of a Blight. That the woman got involved with whatever Morrigan and Alistair were sniping at each other about again just proved she wasn’t all that bright.
As for the giant, she still wasn’t sure what to make of him. She’d heard only vague rumors of the Qunari, but of all her current allies he seemed to be the smartest. At least he didn’t argue all of the time. Yet, she thought blackly. She was sure that something would set him going with the others soon enough. That seemed to be the way things were going. Marlana was still bemused at the fact they were following her lead since she wasn’t exactly the most inspiring leader.
Once at the stream she stared down at it tiredly. It’d only a couple of weeks since that disaster at Ostagar and it seemed like she was always tired. Oh, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Well, maybe partly physically, she wasn’t used to sleeping in the rough so much, but she was learning to deal. But the burden that had been laid upon her, she wanted to give it to someone else, tell everyone that she couldn’t do it, let someone else pay the price this time. But she couldn’t do it, because who else was willing to do it? They all looked to her and she saw something in their eyes. They didn’t see the young woman who was in over her head, they all saw the Grey Warden who stepped up to the line and refused to back down.
Or so said Leliana. Damn minstrels. Damn her Cousland blood for making her responsible for things that weren’t any business of hers if she were a sane woman.
Marlana rubbed her forehead. The time at Lothering hadn’t gone well at all. They’d found out that as Grey Wardens, Alistair and she were wanted as traitors to the crown. In fact a group of Loghain’s men had been loitering in the inn waiting for her. That part she couldn’t understand. They were completely uninterested in Alistair as another Grey Warden, that they wanted to capture her alive and kill her companions. Which meant Howe wanted her for something since it’d become clear in the rumors that he and Loghain were political bed partners. The thought sickened her. And now she understood why her brother had been sent off to scout even though he was not suited for such things.
It was there that she added on her two newest companions, one of whom was a murderer. But she’d seen in his strange face that he truly regretted it in his own fashion so offered him the chance of redemption by fighting against the Blight. For the first time Morrigan and Alistair had actually agreed on. She wondered if that meant she’d used up all of her miracles, and if she had it was a singular waste.
However it had taken quite a bit of persuasion on Alistair’s part to get her to accept Leliana. Oh the woman had skill in battle, but that she decided to help the Wardens was prompted by a vision, one supposedly from the Maker…
Marlana sighed, what else was going to end up trailing after her offering their “help”.
Other than that, Lothering had been a complete waste. With all the refugees in a town abandoned by their bann, it’d been like an overturned ant’s nest. They’d done some work for the Chantry much to Morrigan’s chagrin, but the young woman had to do something for those poor folk. It was likely there’d be more bandits, but perhaps she bought the people some time to organize to leave the area. She hated leaving them like that, but her duties as a Warden were more pressing and if she didn’t attend to them, more would suffer.
“Is she like that all the time, Alistair?” Leliana asked quietly after watching the silver maned woman walk off like she was going to kill anything stupid enough to get in her way.
He blinked at the red-headed minstrel blankly “Huh? Who? Marlana?”
The lay sister nodded, the single braid in her hair swinging gently.
“Oh, well, no. Usually she just sighs at us or makes a smart remark. I have to remember the bucket of water in the future, that was pretty slick.” He said grinning.
Leliana stared at him, “You think that was funny?”
“Yeah, I do. She certainly got her point across without hitting any of us. Believe me, you don’t want her hitting you. Or patching you up. It was really worth it watching Morrigan speechless for once.”
“You are a strange man, Alistair.”
“Funny, everyone says that.” He frowned a bit, “Well, maybe not everyone.”
An expressive eyebrow raised, “Oh? Do tell?”
For some unaccountable reason he flushed slightly, “It’s nothing.”
“Uh huh.”
“Really, it’s not. Oh! Is that a griffon I see?! Oh, no, just a cloud. Pity, it’d be nice to not have to walk everywhere.”
The Orlesian woman just shook her head in silence, clearly at a loss for words. Alistair grinned a bit to himself, she wasn’t the first person he’d done that to.
Fortunately when she returned to camp, things were quiet. Careful to avoid catching anyone’s attention, she simply settled the buckets down before digging out some of the travel rations to gnaw on while working on her journal. Well, her “official” journal, the one she was keeping in case something happened to her. In it she laid out her rudimentary plans, the information they’d gathered thus far and her reasoning behind what she was doing. She kept her own private journal to vent at the end of the day, and her thoughts of all that she had been through. She only updated that when alone.
Just as she finished her current entry, Leliana brought out her lute as was typical for the end of the day before everyone went to their rest or to their watch. At first it had been annoying, but as of late Marlana had been grateful for the distraction the music and tale telling brought. But apparently Leliana had other thoughts this night as she tuned the instrument but didn’t start playing right away.
“Tell me Marlana, do you know of any songs or tales you wish to share? You have a pleasant enough speaking voice and your singing voice isn’t too irritating upon the ear.”
As the bard began asking her questions, the young noblewoman shook her head, “You really don’t want me to try to entertain anyone, Leliana, it’s not going to be pretty.”
Wondering if her little group had come up with this plan to torment her, she realized Alistair was regarding her hopefully, Sten with a hint of curiosity and even Morrigan was watching her thoughtfully. “Fine, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Closing her eyes so she couldn’t see the others, even though she still felt them watching her, she sang of the price of commanding in a rich alto, almost tenor, voice. Until now she hadn’t fully understood the song, though she’d always could get the general meaning. Dealing with her fractious companions, knowing that every time she went into battle with them she may be leading them to their deaths. Knowing that if they were successful with the treaties she’d be ordering even more people to their deaths… That understanding gave her performance a poignancy it otherwise wouldn’t have had.
When she finished, she bowed her head slightly then walked away without meeting anyone’s gaze. She had revealed far more than she meant to with that song. In the darkness outside of the light of the fire, Marlana sagged against a tree. In the distance she could Leliana starting another song, one not as somber, but still a quiet one so as to not shatter the mood.
A faint rattle of armor betrayed Alistair’s presence before he came near enough to talk. “And you wondered why I didn’t want to lead.”
She crossed her arms across her chest, but didn’t look up at him, “I never wondered.” And trying hard to not resent you for it.
The wince he must have made could be heard in his voice, “Fair enough.” He coughed slightly, “I, ah, did want to know what you wanted to talk about the other night.”
As had become a habit of hers, Marlana had taken to talking to her allies individually or together, to get to know them, and also in the hopes of getting them to know each other. Alistair had proven to be particularly difficult about that, so she had given up after getting shrugged off several times. Now he wants to talk, she thought, typical male. And as awkwardly as possible, typical Alistair. The later thought was more amused then scornful.
“Nothing important”, despite herself she could hear the tired resignation in her voice. Maybe she should let one of the others take the middle watch so she could get a solid night’s sleep, maybe then she could keep her mask in place better.
“Maybe you should let me be the judge of that?”
Not sure how to interpret his tone, she finally looked up, but couldn’t see his expression clearly in the shadows. Shrugging slightly, “I just wanted to know if you wanted to talk. About Duncan.”
“Oh.” There was so much emotion in that one small syllable. His voice turned brisk, “You don’t have to do that. I know you didn’t know him as long as I did.”
“I know he was important to you and while I didn’t know him for very long, it doesn’t mean I don’t mourn his death.”
She shifted slightly so she could see him better as she spoke, to see the sorrow that passed across his face. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have lost it like that. Duncan did warn me that any of us could fall in battle. And with so much riding on us what with the Blight and all. I, I’d like a proper funeral for him once this is all over. If we’re still alive. I don’t think he had any family.”
She spoke softly, “He had you.”
Alistair looked away, “I guess he did. It sounds stupid, but I wish I had been there with him. At the battle. I feel like I abandoned him.”
Her heart ached, he couldn’t have used harsher words than that. This time it was her turn to look away, “It’s not stupid at all. I understand.” Better than you know, Alistair. You didn’t fail your entire family.
“Of course, I’d be dead then and that wouldn’t have made him any happier. He came from Highever, or so he said. Maybe I’ll go there sometime, see about putting something up in his honor. I don’t know.”
She still couldn’t look up at him. Highever. It’d been her home once not so long ago, her responsibility. But now it was… Her mind shied away from that pain.
He continued on, oblivious to her internal struggle, “Have you…had someone close to you die? I don’t mean to pry…”
Her shoulders sagged, he didn’t know. Either Duncan hadn’t told him, or it didn’t register to be important enough for him to remember. Feeling raw she regretted ever saying anything. “I’ve lost enough to know what you’re going through.”
“Yes, I… imagine you really have, haven’t you?” The sympathy in his voice was more like salt in a wound than balm. “Thank you. Really, I mean it. It was good to talk about it, at least a little.”
To her surprise she found herself offering to go to Highever with him if he ever went there. And that she truly meant it. He smiled a little, “I would like that. And I think maybe Duncan would have also.”
He hesitated, “Is there anything you want to talk about? It seems you’re always taking everyone else’s burdens, but no one else seems to be doing the same for you.”
Unable to speak for the moment, she slowly shook her head. How could she explain to him that while she resented the duties and burdens of being a Grey Warden she was grateful for them because the weight of them crushed her own pain and sorrow into a dark corner of her soul.
“Just remember, if you ever do need to talk, let me know. I know I haven’t made a good showing of myself, but I want you to know you aren’t alone in this.”
The words were a struggle to get out, but she had to say them. Because what he said did matter to her, “Thank you, Alistair.”
“Anytime. My friend.”
Author's Note: The Price of Commanding is the song in question. Lyrics by Mercedes Lackey from her Oathbreakers novel/CD.
Author's Note: The Price of Commanding is the song in question. Lyrics by Mercedes Lackey from her Oathbreakers novel/CD.
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